I'm now in my mid-twenties and have only been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder within the past year. According to the DSM criteria, one cannot be diagnosed BPD until "early adulthood". Here's my beef with that: I have had this disorder since a child. I have been misdiagnosed for over 12 years. It makes me wonder if all these years of anguish, multiple hospitalizations, and inadequate medications were in vain.
As I reflect back, I can remember having signs as early as 11 years old. There had been a trauma in my life when I was a child. I started self-mutilating at 11, using pieces of glass from the bedroom window I had broken in anger. I was sneaking out at night with my older sister to party with her friends. I was stealing everything I could get my hands on.
When I was first sent to an inpatient mental health facility, I was 13, and they diagnosed me with Manic Depression (now commonly known as Bipolar Disorder). After 3 hospitalizations within 4 months, I learned a few things. Firstly, medications didn't help. Secondly, I can't tell anyone the meds don't work because they will think I'm ignorant and/or a stubborn brat. And thirdly, I learned how to be "normal". I learned the art of faking it. This is the way I'm supposed to act. I shall act this way. I wanted everyone to be proud of me, not disappointed.
One of the main symptoms of BPD is the fear of actual or perceived abandonment. It took me a while to understand and see that in myself. I'm erratically afraid of rejection and disapproval. I can't disappoint people, make them angry, or sad. I can't stand myself if I do. I loathe myself when I hurt others or gain their disapproval. And, because of that, I "got better" so to speak.
Why didn't medications help? I was diagnosed incorrectly. Frequently it is hard for physicians to differentiate between the symptoms of Bipolar and Borderline. And I can only assume that they wouldn't have treated me as Borderline yet because I wasn't an adult. Bipolar can be treated with different combinations of medications. BPD is primarily treated through therapy. It cannot be cured with a medication. It's very hard for me to be able to picture an end result when the strength has to come from within me, not by a magical fix. It will take a lot of work.
The messed up thing? I'm broke. Oh, yes, I have private insurance. They all assume that since I'm insured I shouldn't have any problems at all going to DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) once a week. DBT is the number one recommended group therapy treatment for borderline personality disorder. When you take DBT, you usually have to go to the group therapy one day a week, as well as have a private therapy session with a counselor once a week. So, two co-pays a week, about 4 weeks in a month... that would be.... yes, 8 co-pays a month. My co-pay? $64. So, $64 x 8 = $512 a month. And then when you add in the psychiatrist appointment once a month, another $64, I'm looking at $576 a month.
I know what you're thinking... what about a sliding scale? Well, in order to qualify for their sliding scale fee, you have to be uninsured. Yes, uninsured. I don't qualify. When it comes to mental health a lot of times you are better off not having any insurance at all. If I didn't have insurance, I could probably squeeze out the fee based off of the sliding scale. It's much, much less than my co-pay per session.
In any case, I look back and wonder if I would be a functioning adult if treatment had been available to me at a younger age. I have had symptoms since I was a preteen, and they went untreated for more than a decade. I cut myself. I stole things. I acted on impulse. I was afraid of abandonment. I was promiscuous. I had significant emotional dynamics. I had childhood trauma. I drove recklessly. I would binge eat. I went through relationships like I did underwear. I often felt disconnected from my body--the world was a dream.
Maybe I could have prevented many years of scars. Maybe I wouldn't have been arrested a few times as a teen. Maybe I wouldn't have gone to juvenile detention when I broke probation. I wouldn't have been the "high school whore". I would have had more stable relationships. I wouldn't have had a baby at 18. That is one thing I wouldn't change... my son.
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